Panhandling

I've been using too much internet.  There's not much left on my card.  My money's running out, too.  But at least I made it to a city again.

After finding some free wi-fi I spent some time catching up on what I'd missed and wished I hadn't.  It seems like all of a sudden good people or going bad are dying and bad people are coming back.  It's enough to scare a guy.  Definitely enough to make a guy cry.  It took me an hour to hold back the tears.  I don't want to give anyone special mention or forget anyone so I won't mention any names, but I'll miss all of you who have died recently.  I'm going to be spending the rest of the day without talking in rememberance of you.  And I've decided that everyone who's died that I know of?  I'll scratch your names into Lily to keep them with me at all times.

But I have more things to talk about.  One thing that I never really thought about before I started wandering was how anyone who does this makes any money.  I never stay around long enough to hold a job and it's kind of hard to just find odd jobs I can do.  And who would ask me to do odd jobs anyway, with the way I look now?  Dirty and gaunt with an angry X on my cheek?  No one.

So I had to humble myself today and beg.  Find a place to just sit and try to get some people to help me.  A plastic cup and a cardboard sign letting people know I need help.  I was lucky I guess.  I got what I needed.  I shouldn't panhandle unless I have to.  I was able to get all the food and supplies I needed, though.

I'm going to spend a few more days in the city before heading north again.  I'll talk to you then.

Small Town

I don't like small towns.  In the countryside you can find plenty of open unoccupied shelters like barns and sheds.  In a city there's always somewhere to go and there's plenty of chain stores to buy supplies for cheap, plus you can blend into the crowd easily.  Small towns are too small for you to blend in and too big to sneak around.  There aren't enough stores or shelters and no one just takes a stranger in.  There aren't parking ramps or bridges to sleep under, and there are no barns or sheds to sleep in.    Maybe if you're lucky you'll find a church that's open come nightfall.  No one gets mad at someone who breaks into a church for shelter.  But your best bet is to find a local park or any sort of alleyway and hope the weather is good and the police don't find you.

I don't like police, either.  Some of the things I do to stay safe aren't exactly legal.  I've broken into places and tresspassed a lot.  A stranger in the state I'm in probably isn't going to be someone you want to take into your home, so I have to sneak around in places I shouldn't be to find shelter.  I can't get caught because I'm technically a runaway.  I'm not a legal adult, so I'm not old enough to be living on my own.  If they catch me, they'll send me back, and I can't risk bringing you know what to everybody else.

My battery's dying, so I have to go soon.  I'll figure out tomorrow whether I want to charge my laptop before I leave or after I get to a city.

Parallels

I'm a fan of Rurouni Kenshin, if you couldn't pick up on it from my avatar.  It's a series about a rurouni (or, in English, a wanderer) named Kenshin, living in the Meido period of Japan.  He was an amazing swordsman and a former assassin, but he felt regret over all the death he had caused.  So he took to wandering the earth, carrying a reversed-blade katana as a symbol of his vow to kill no longer.  And a spoiler for those of you still interested in it: the death he felt the most regret for, the death tied to the cross-shaped scar on his cheek, was of his first love.  He took to wandering once she died, because he couldn't face himself.  He wandered the earth to atone for what he had done to her (and all those he had killed).

There are quite a few obvious parallels there.  I'm a wanderer named Kenny, wandering the earth with what could be considered a non-lethal weapon after the death of Lily.

There was something missing, though.

Until now.  When I ran into those proxies a few weeks ago, I didn't come out of it completely unharmed.  One of them had a knife.  I knew I was covered in bruises, but it wasn't until the adreneline wore off that I noticed I was bleeding.

The tip of the knife had scratched my cheek, cutting an angry line across it.

When I was in the city, I got a good look at it.  Once it had scabbed over some, I noticed its location. I had noticed it of course, before, but I only then realized where it was.

I have a Swiss Army Knife that I carry with me. It's a good one, and an incredibly valuable tool if you're going to be wandering. I knew that what I was planning on doing would hurt. But it wouldn't mean anything if I didn't. Gripping Lily as tightly as possible and biting down on my towel to dull the pain, I stared into a bathroom mirror and began to cut.

So now that's another parallel. It's not a scar yet, but I have an X on my face to match Kenshin's.

It's so codl.

I sould have paid more attention to the weather before leaving the city.  I got hit by rain.

Cone on, don't cry Kenny.  To cold for that.  The tarp's keeping you and the laptop dry, so don't get your face all wet wit htears.  Lily's here.  Just hold on tight and think of her.

I can't do this I can't do this I anot do this I can't do this I can't d o this I can't do this

But ther'e sno choise now.

Memories

She loved the sky more than anything.  The clouds, the stars, butterflies, fireflies...anything light and floaty.  The closer it was to heaven, the more she'd love it.

She always denied any love of flowers.  "They're okay, and I like them, but it's not like I'm required to love flowers just because my name is Lily."  But after I started comparing her to a flower, as cheesy as it was, she dyed her hair red, with black highlights.  A Tiger Lily.  When I pointed it out she looked away, embarrassed, and said that she didn't know what I was talking about and that she just wanted a change in hairstyle.

She hated shoes.  Whenever possible, she went barefoot.  In the summer, her feet were always dusty and the skin torn, because she never wore shoes.  She loved to feel the world against her feet.  It's almost a paradox reflecting on it now.  Desiring to be closer to the skies and closer to the earth at the same time.

Being with her was like being in a dream, as if she was there but just barely out of reach and that you would awaken at any moment and cry because she was just a figment of your imagination and wasn't actually real.  But she was real.

And she vanished anyway.  The day I yelled at her and called her stupid and made her cry...that was the last time I saw her alive.  He came that night and killed my family.  In a panic, I called Lily.  When I didn't get an answer, I drove over to her house.

Everyone was dead.  She and her entire family were laying there, dead.

I still don't know why I'm alive.  Why did they all die, but not me?

Encounter

I'm sorry about that last post and how abruptly it cut off.  I thought I was ready to talk about Lily.  I wasn't.  Not quite.  But soon.

I made it to a city today.  I was going to get a hotel, but then I remembered that I'm running tighter on money.  I'm probably going to end up just swallowing my pride and finding a homeless shelter to spend the night.

Things didn't go as smoothly as I hoped getting here.  Near the city, a minivan pulled up.  The driver asked me if I needed a ride, and I was about to agree, when three guys in masks jumped out of the side door and the van drove off.  Proxies.  Thankfully, I've been practicing with Lily.  They drove me into the ditch, but I was able to fend them off and knock them out.  That's one thing I like about staffs: their range.  It's easy to attack or defend from a bit of a distance if you know what you're doing.  Still, I'm no expert.  I'm glad there were only three of them.  It could have gone a lot worse.

I wonder how they found me, though.  That's always something that's bothered me.  No matter where I go, someone always seems to find me.  How do they know what I look like?  How can they find me?  Does He know where I am and somehow let them know?  It just doesn't make sense.

But I'm safe.  Got a little beat up, but that's why I carry a first-aid kit.

Well, I've sat around too long now.  It's time to stock up.  After all, who knows when the next time I'll be in a city is?

Lily

I should mention who she is.  Who my staff is named after.

Lily was my best friend for most of elementary school.  And then middle school.  And then, sometime fairly early in high school, she became my girlfriend.  She was just always so happy.  So cheerful.  The glass was always half-full for her.

She liked the outdoors.  More specifically the sky.  I couldn't count the number of times she'd be on her back in the grass, bare feet wiggling, staring at the clouds or the stars.  Sometimes, on clear nights, we'd drive out of town to the surrounding countryside, far away from lights, just to stare at the sky.

"That one's Draco," she said once, pointing at the sky, her arm waving around to trace the stars.  "It's like a snake with a diamond head.  The tail is between Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.  See it?"

"I can't even find the little dipper," I told her.

She sighed.  "Come on, Kenny, it's not that hard.  You can find the big dipper, right?  It's just those front two stars.  You follow them up to that brighter one.  See?  That's the North Star.  That's the end of the handle.  It's pouring into the big dipper, see?"

I found the North Star that night.  Took me a bit more to find the little dipper.  She probably could have helped me find Draco eventually.

But I never did.  Not before she died.

A lot of people died.  My dad.  Her parents.  But her death hit hardest.  Especially since she knew it was coming.  She knew that she was probably going to die.  After all, we would watch the vlogs and read the blogs together.  We started seeing Him around the same time.  And through it all, she kept a smile on her face.

"Everyone dies eventually, Kenny.  People die every day.  Sometimes they're younger than us.  Sometimes, they die for a worse reason.  Isn't this a better way to go than accidentally eating something you're allergic to and not getting medical help in time?  Or choking on your own vomit?  Besides, it's almost like a game when you know it's coming.  How long can you stay alive when the odds are stacked against you?"

She started crying, then.  She would start sobbing, but the smile never left her face, even if it was forced.  She'd try to find any reason that it was actually a good thing that we knew that we were marked.  We would be living rather than just being alive.  We wouldn't be caught off guard by it.  We'd be getting a cool death.

She dealt with it better than I did.  But I could tell.  It hurt her more.  She was scared, and everything she said was for her benefit more than it was for mine.  She was losing her grip, and she knew it.  But she kept smiling, hoping that it would help us.

I couldn't stay so positive.  I tried.  But it didn't work.  One day, I yelled at her.  I told her to stop acting like everything was fine.  I told her that we were going to die and that she was stupid for treating everything like it was some game and to grow up and get serious about it.  She was hurt.  She tried smiling but couldn't, and she left crying.

I'm sorry.

I can't finish this.  Not now.  I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm sorry, Lily.