It's so codl.

I sould have paid more attention to the weather before leaving the city.  I got hit by rain.

Cone on, don't cry Kenny.  To cold for that.  The tarp's keeping you and the laptop dry, so don't get your face all wet wit htears.  Lily's here.  Just hold on tight and think of her.

I can't do this I can't do this I anot do this I can't do this I can't d o this I can't do this

But ther'e sno choise now.

Memories

She loved the sky more than anything.  The clouds, the stars, butterflies, fireflies...anything light and floaty.  The closer it was to heaven, the more she'd love it.

She always denied any love of flowers.  "They're okay, and I like them, but it's not like I'm required to love flowers just because my name is Lily."  But after I started comparing her to a flower, as cheesy as it was, she dyed her hair red, with black highlights.  A Tiger Lily.  When I pointed it out she looked away, embarrassed, and said that she didn't know what I was talking about and that she just wanted a change in hairstyle.

She hated shoes.  Whenever possible, she went barefoot.  In the summer, her feet were always dusty and the skin torn, because she never wore shoes.  She loved to feel the world against her feet.  It's almost a paradox reflecting on it now.  Desiring to be closer to the skies and closer to the earth at the same time.

Being with her was like being in a dream, as if she was there but just barely out of reach and that you would awaken at any moment and cry because she was just a figment of your imagination and wasn't actually real.  But she was real.

And she vanished anyway.  The day I yelled at her and called her stupid and made her cry...that was the last time I saw her alive.  He came that night and killed my family.  In a panic, I called Lily.  When I didn't get an answer, I drove over to her house.

Everyone was dead.  She and her entire family were laying there, dead.

I still don't know why I'm alive.  Why did they all die, but not me?

Encounter

I'm sorry about that last post and how abruptly it cut off.  I thought I was ready to talk about Lily.  I wasn't.  Not quite.  But soon.

I made it to a city today.  I was going to get a hotel, but then I remembered that I'm running tighter on money.  I'm probably going to end up just swallowing my pride and finding a homeless shelter to spend the night.

Things didn't go as smoothly as I hoped getting here.  Near the city, a minivan pulled up.  The driver asked me if I needed a ride, and I was about to agree, when three guys in masks jumped out of the side door and the van drove off.  Proxies.  Thankfully, I've been practicing with Lily.  They drove me into the ditch, but I was able to fend them off and knock them out.  That's one thing I like about staffs: their range.  It's easy to attack or defend from a bit of a distance if you know what you're doing.  Still, I'm no expert.  I'm glad there were only three of them.  It could have gone a lot worse.

I wonder how they found me, though.  That's always something that's bothered me.  No matter where I go, someone always seems to find me.  How do they know what I look like?  How can they find me?  Does He know where I am and somehow let them know?  It just doesn't make sense.

But I'm safe.  Got a little beat up, but that's why I carry a first-aid kit.

Well, I've sat around too long now.  It's time to stock up.  After all, who knows when the next time I'll be in a city is?

Lily

I should mention who she is.  Who my staff is named after.

Lily was my best friend for most of elementary school.  And then middle school.  And then, sometime fairly early in high school, she became my girlfriend.  She was just always so happy.  So cheerful.  The glass was always half-full for her.

She liked the outdoors.  More specifically the sky.  I couldn't count the number of times she'd be on her back in the grass, bare feet wiggling, staring at the clouds or the stars.  Sometimes, on clear nights, we'd drive out of town to the surrounding countryside, far away from lights, just to stare at the sky.

"That one's Draco," she said once, pointing at the sky, her arm waving around to trace the stars.  "It's like a snake with a diamond head.  The tail is between Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.  See it?"

"I can't even find the little dipper," I told her.

She sighed.  "Come on, Kenny, it's not that hard.  You can find the big dipper, right?  It's just those front two stars.  You follow them up to that brighter one.  See?  That's the North Star.  That's the end of the handle.  It's pouring into the big dipper, see?"

I found the North Star that night.  Took me a bit more to find the little dipper.  She probably could have helped me find Draco eventually.

But I never did.  Not before she died.

A lot of people died.  My dad.  Her parents.  But her death hit hardest.  Especially since she knew it was coming.  She knew that she was probably going to die.  After all, we would watch the vlogs and read the blogs together.  We started seeing Him around the same time.  And through it all, she kept a smile on her face.

"Everyone dies eventually, Kenny.  People die every day.  Sometimes they're younger than us.  Sometimes, they die for a worse reason.  Isn't this a better way to go than accidentally eating something you're allergic to and not getting medical help in time?  Or choking on your own vomit?  Besides, it's almost like a game when you know it's coming.  How long can you stay alive when the odds are stacked against you?"

She started crying, then.  She would start sobbing, but the smile never left her face, even if it was forced.  She'd try to find any reason that it was actually a good thing that we knew that we were marked.  We would be living rather than just being alive.  We wouldn't be caught off guard by it.  We'd be getting a cool death.

She dealt with it better than I did.  But I could tell.  It hurt her more.  She was scared, and everything she said was for her benefit more than it was for mine.  She was losing her grip, and she knew it.  But she kept smiling, hoping that it would help us.

I couldn't stay so positive.  I tried.  But it didn't work.  One day, I yelled at her.  I told her to stop acting like everything was fine.  I told her that we were going to die and that she was stupid for treating everything like it was some game and to grow up and get serious about it.  She was hurt.  She tried smiling but couldn't, and she left crying.

I'm sorry.

I can't finish this.  Not now.  I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm sorry, Lily.

A Start to Wandering

You're probably wondering who I am.  I really don't have the concentration to get it all out at once, but I suppose I should let you guys know the basics of how I got involved in this.

I've been a reader of the blogs for a while now.  Or I used to be, back before I knew they were real.  About four months ago, I started wandering.  After they died.  After I had nothing left.  I couldn't let Him hurt anyone else, so I refused to live with anyone else.  But I'm not a legal adult yet.  I couldn't live on my own or collect any sort of inheritance.  So I sold everything.  My car.  My computer.  My games and most of my books.  I couldn't afford to be paying any sort of bills.  Gas was too expensive.  Internet was too expensive.  Phone service was too expensive.

So I cut myself off from the world.  I started wandering.  Staying where I could.  I was able to check the blogs when I managed to get access to a computer and internet.  It's only now, after I've managed to require some generous soul's old laptop and a wireless internet card that I've been able to start blogging myself.

I generally travel light.  I have a few necessities and a bit of entertainment, but I do a lot of walking and traveling.  I don't have a lot of time to sit around, and if it weren't for my circumstances, I'd say that an internet connection is a bit frivolous.  But I'm only using it for these blogs.  I need to know what other people are doing to stay safe from Him.  I need the support of the community.  I've been doing this for four months on my own.  I can't do it alone much longer.

So that's what I'm doing here.  Looking for advice and help.  I'll do what I can.  I've worked for food and shelter before.  I know that I can think of something I can do in exchange for help.  I'm good with that.

Oh, and just a quick postscript...I've read parts of a lot of blogs, but there are some I haven't read and a lot I haven't caught up on yet.  Anyone have any good suggestions of where to start?

Going North

Spring's coming soon.  By the time I make it up north, it'll probably be here.  Finally, winter's ending.

I've been down south for a while now, just because it's warmer.  Now I can maybe make it to Jersey.  I hear there are a lot of us in that area.  Maybe I'll find someone on the way.

I'm short on cash now.  This internet card took more than I could really afford.  It's not a luxury, though.  It's almost a necessity.  I've been running low on money lately, and I can't afford hotels much longer.

I slept on a roof last night.  Not because of M's rules.  Just because it was a nice night with a clear sky.  Found a farmhouse as I was walking, and I climbed up while they were asleep.  Had to be careful not to attract their attention, and I had to make sure I set my alarm to go off early so that I could be gone before they woke up.  That meant getting up at 5:30, since farmers are sometimes out the door by six.  That's a mistake I made once.  I didn't end up in any real danger, but the guy was not happy to find a stranger sleeping in his barn.

But no.  I just stared up at the skies for a while.  The stars were out, and the sky was beautiful.  I can find the Big Dipper and Little Dipper, but that's about it.  Mostly, I just stared at the moon, shifting from seeing the marks on it as the rabbit or the Man in the Moon.  Lily was the one who taught me how to see the Man in the Moon.  I could only see the rabbit for the longest time.  It's frustrating, trying to figure out an optical illusion like that, but she managed to help me figure it out.

But now I'm moving again.  Thumbing my way up north.  I should make it to a city by the end of the day.  Maybe I can jack someone's wifi while I'm there.  The linksys gods have smiled on me before.  Maybe they will again.

A Staff

That's all I need.  A backpack.  The clothes on my back.  And a good, sturdy staff.

A staff is support.  It holds you up.  Keep you from stumbling and falling.  Lighten the load.  It's a friend that you can always lean on.  If you hurt yourself, it makes a great crutch or cane.

A staff is protection.  If you're attacked, you can fend whoever's assaulting you off.  It's usually non-lethal, but a good whack on the head can do some serious damage if your self-defense needs to get just a bit more aggressive.

A staff is a tool.  It can become an essential part of any larger structure.  Add a tarp and some supports, and it's a tent.  Add some string and a hook, and it can become a fishing pole.  There are a lot of things you can use a staff for.

I call it Lily.  My staff.  Every tool of great importance should have a name.  Mine's named Lily.  After her.  That way, she's still with me.  Even now.  Even after all these months.

I still miss her.

But she keeps me going.  Going down the road.  Where?  I don't know.  But as long as I have Lily by my side, I'll get there.  I know I will.