Aftermath

I spent almost all day in a motel bed.  I couldn’t bring myself to leave it.  I cried myself to sleep.  Woke up when I had a dream reliving the events of that night.  I didn’t try to sleep again after that. Couldn’t cry anymore after I woke up.  Couldn’t eat.

I’m just feeling…empty.

I checked Diana’s blog.  And now I’ve got confirmation.  Jenny is dead.  Ryan is dead.  Even Dumas is dead.

I don’t know who—or what—that Silent Bob guy is.  I’m not sure I want to know.  It really doesn’t matter in the long run.  The Picking at Ruins people are after him, and he’s their problem now.  As long as he’s not going to be bothering me again, why should I care?  Knowing who he is isn’t going to bring them back.  Jenny, the cheerful girl who managed to bring life to our group.  Ryan, the boy who would do anything to protect his friends.  Dumas, the man who gave up his life and turned against a giant organization to try to save two kids.

They’re all dead because of me.  Because I took a gamble and thought that we could control Silent Bob.  Incredibly stupid looking back at it, but you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20.

So now three people are dead, and it’s entirely on my head.  Throw in Lily, my parents, and her parents, and that brings the total to eight.

Eight deaths on my head.  Eight people I’ve killed.  Eight people more deserving than me.

I still don’t understand what happened with the Slender Man.  Why his arms suddenly turned to tentacles and why his tie went from red to black.  All these small details shifting.  I’ve gotten comments.  People saying that everyone sees the tentacles.  And I don’t understand.  It’s never been like that for me.  I’ve never read about him looking like that before.  But I looked through some old blogs again and…they were different.  Details like that suddenly appeared.  They mention tentacles.  They mention black ties.  Some mention red ties.  Some mention multiple arms.  There’s…discrepancy.  It was never there before.  And I can’t help but wonder if he did something to me when I saw him again after so long.

Canis wasn’t happy.  I’d cut off contact from him after I got suspicious of him.  He managed to track me down in Phoenix after Jenny let our location slip.  “Why would you even do something that stupid?” he asked.

“Why do you care?” I asked.  “What’s so important about me?”

“Everything.”

I rolled over.  “That doesn’t make sense.”

“Of course it doesn’t.  Not now.  Not yet.”

I was quiet for probably a minute before I forced myself into a sitting position and looked at him.  “Are you a real cop?”

A pause.  “I was.  Not anymore.  Not since meeting you.  I quit the force.  Keeping tabs on you was more important.  I suppose it’d be best to drop the act now.  Being an authority figure isn’t going to make an impact on whether or not you trust me at this point.  The only thing posing as an officer could accomplish at this point is getting me in a lot of trouble.”

“Are you one of the Ten Masks, then?”

“I am not.”

“Your last name means wolf.  You’re being followed by the Black Dog.  And you’re interested in me for some reason.  Who are you?”

“Like you said, I’m being followed by the Black Dog.”  He gave me a friendly smile.  “Are you really that surprised that I have a few secrets?”

He wants me to stay with him a while longer.  I don’t know if it’s a smart move.  Really, I don’t care at this point.  He can keep his secrets for all I care.  He’s helping me and that’s all I care about.  I don’t know what’s good or bad anymore.  Canis and Last are both helping me, but they both keep secrets and they’re hard to trust.  Bob “made the Slender Man lose,” but killed his allies without a second thought.  There’s Fracture, a proxy who sent people to kidnap me, and Moth, a proxy who rescued me from them.  There’s the Ten Masks, who alternate between trying to kill me and trying to save my life.

I’m confused and I’m depressed and I hate myself and I just don’t want to deal with this anymore.  I want to just wake up and find out that this is all some sort of nightmare.  But life doesn’t work like that.  There’s only one way out of all this.  The way that Jenny and Ryan and Dumas and Lily took.  To tell you the truth, I want to die.  I just want it all to end before things get any worse.  Before I see more people die.

But I can’t.  I don’t want to live right now, but what good does that do?  As much as I hate all this, as much as I know it’ll get worse, as much as I want it all to end, it’d be more futile than living.

One of the things I did today was watch this video:

I watched it because I knew that I needed to remember that, no matter how bad things are, no matter how much I hate myself and blame myself for what happened to Jenny and Ryan and Dumas, there are people there who don’t want me to die.  Look to the right.  You see that little “Followers” widget off to the side?  I can’t say everyone because I know that some of those people want me dead, and some are already dead themselves, but most of those little squares represents one person who wants to see me live.  One person who genuinely cares about me.  One person who would miss me when I’m gone.

So I’m going to live.  Not because I want to, but for you.  I can’t die for you, so I’m going to live for you.  If I go down, I will go down fighting on behalf of every single person who wants to see me live.  I will fight to my last breath.

Everyone reading this?  I’m living for you.  So live for me.  Don’t give up.  Don’t resign yourself to your fate, because you’re the one who decides it.

So come on, everyone.  Say those words that we may not want to say.  Say those words that we need to.  Say them for me, but not just for me.  Say them for you.  All together now.

I want to live!