Sunday, March 18, 2012


I should mention who she is.  Who my staff is named after.

Lily was my best friend for most of elementary school.  And then middle school.  And then, sometime fairly early in high school, she became my girlfriend.  She was just always so happy.  So cheerful.  The glass was always half-full for her.

She liked the outdoors.  More specifically the sky.  I couldn't count the number of times she'd be on her back in the grass, bare feet wiggling, staring at the clouds or the stars.  Sometimes, on clear nights, we'd drive out of town to the surrounding countryside, far away from lights, just to stare at the sky.

"That one's Draco," she said once, pointing at the sky, her arm waving around to trace the stars.  "It's like a snake with a diamond head.  The tail is between Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.  See it?"

"I can't even find the little dipper," I told her.

She sighed.  "Come on, Kenny, it's not that hard.  You can find the big dipper, right?  It's just those front two stars.  You follow them up to that brighter one.  See?  That's the North Star.  That's the end of the handle.  It's pouring into the big dipper, see?"

I found the North Star that night.  Took me a bit more to find the little dipper.  She probably could have helped me find Draco eventually.

But I never did.  Not before she died.

A lot of people died.  My dad.  Her parents.  But her death hit hardest.  Especially since she knew it was coming.  She knew that she was probably going to die.  After all, we would watch the vlogs and read the blogs together.  We started seeing Him around the same time.  And through it all, she kept a smile on her face.

"Everyone dies eventually, Kenny.  People die every day.  Sometimes they're younger than us.  Sometimes, they die for a worse reason.  Isn't this a better way to go than accidentally eating something you're allergic to and not getting medical help in time?  Or choking on your own vomit?  Besides, it's almost like a game when you know it's coming.  How long can you stay alive when the odds are stacked against you?"

She started crying, then.  She would start sobbing, but the smile never left her face, even if it was forced.  She'd try to find any reason that it was actually a good thing that we knew that we were marked.  We would be living rather than just being alive.  We wouldn't be caught off guard by it.  We'd be getting a cool death.

She dealt with it better than I did.  But I could tell.  It hurt her more.  She was scared, and everything she said was for her benefit more than it was for mine.  She was losing her grip, and she knew it.  But she kept smiling, hoping that it would help us.

I couldn't stay so positive.  I tried.  But it didn't work.  One day, I yelled at her.  I told her to stop acting like everything was fine.  I told her that we were going to die and that she was stupid for treating everything like it was some game and to grow up and get serious about it.  She was hurt.  She tried smiling but couldn't, and she left crying.

I'm sorry.

I can't finish this.  Not now.  I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm sorry, Lily.


  1. Feels too cold. But then, what do I know?

  2. Fuck, I'm sorry, kid. It's always the sweet ones that we lose.