Today would have been her birthday

First of May.

For the past few years she'd give me a card for a little kid.  Someone exactly a decade younger than me.  And then she'd write a "1" in front of every number or a "teen" after it depending on whether it was written or a numeral.

I got a card for an 8-year-old the other day.  Did what she always did for me.  Had to buy it before coming here so that no one would see me.  I'm back home just for the day.  Just so I could visit her.  I left the card and some flowers by her grave.  Cried.  Sat there for an hour before I could tear myself away.  I have to keep moving.  This is the one place where I can't let anyone see me.  I have to lay low.

Happy 18th birthday, Lily.  I miss you.

Panhandling

I've been using too much internet.  There's not much left on my card.  My money's running out, too.  But at least I made it to a city again.

After finding some free wi-fi I spent some time catching up on what I'd missed and wished I hadn't.  It seems like all of a sudden good people or going bad are dying and bad people are coming back.  It's enough to scare a guy.  Definitely enough to make a guy cry.  It took me an hour to hold back the tears.  I don't want to give anyone special mention or forget anyone so I won't mention any names, but I'll miss all of you who have died recently.  I'm going to be spending the rest of the day without talking in rememberance of you.  And I've decided that everyone who's died that I know of?  I'll scratch your names into Lily to keep them with me at all times.

But I have more things to talk about.  One thing that I never really thought about before I started wandering was how anyone who does this makes any money.  I never stay around long enough to hold a job and it's kind of hard to just find odd jobs I can do.  And who would ask me to do odd jobs anyway, with the way I look now?  Dirty and gaunt with an angry X on my cheek?  No one.

So I had to humble myself today and beg.  Find a place to just sit and try to get some people to help me.  A plastic cup and a cardboard sign letting people know I need help.  I was lucky I guess.  I got what I needed.  I shouldn't panhandle unless I have to.  I was able to get all the food and supplies I needed, though.

I'm going to spend a few more days in the city before heading north again.  I'll talk to you then.

Small Town

I don't like small towns.  In the countryside you can find plenty of open unoccupied shelters like barns and sheds.  In a city there's always somewhere to go and there's plenty of chain stores to buy supplies for cheap, plus you can blend into the crowd easily.  Small towns are too small for you to blend in and too big to sneak around.  There aren't enough stores or shelters and no one just takes a stranger in.  There aren't parking ramps or bridges to sleep under, and there are no barns or sheds to sleep in.    Maybe if you're lucky you'll find a church that's open come nightfall.  No one gets mad at someone who breaks into a church for shelter.  But your best bet is to find a local park or any sort of alleyway and hope the weather is good and the police don't find you.

I don't like police, either.  Some of the things I do to stay safe aren't exactly legal.  I've broken into places and tresspassed a lot.  A stranger in the state I'm in probably isn't going to be someone you want to take into your home, so I have to sneak around in places I shouldn't be to find shelter.  I can't get caught because I'm technically a runaway.  I'm not a legal adult, so I'm not old enough to be living on my own.  If they catch me, they'll send me back, and I can't risk bringing you know what to everybody else.

My battery's dying, so I have to go soon.  I'll figure out tomorrow whether I want to charge my laptop before I leave or after I get to a city.

Parallels

I'm a fan of Rurouni Kenshin, if you couldn't pick up on it from my avatar.  It's a series about a rurouni (or, in English, a wanderer) named Kenshin, living in the Meido period of Japan.  He was an amazing swordsman and a former assassin, but he felt regret over all the death he had caused.  So he took to wandering the earth, carrying a reversed-blade katana as a symbol of his vow to kill no longer.  And a spoiler for those of you still interested in it: the death he felt the most regret for, the death tied to the cross-shaped scar on his cheek, was of his first love.  He took to wandering once she died, because he couldn't face himself.  He wandered the earth to atone for what he had done to her (and all those he had killed).

There are quite a few obvious parallels there.  I'm a wanderer named Kenny, wandering the earth with what could be considered a non-lethal weapon after the death of Lily.

There was something missing, though.

Until now.  When I ran into those proxies a few weeks ago, I didn't come out of it completely unharmed.  One of them had a knife.  I knew I was covered in bruises, but it wasn't until the adreneline wore off that I noticed I was bleeding.

The tip of the knife had scratched my cheek, cutting an angry line across it.

When I was in the city, I got a good look at it.  Once it had scabbed over some, I noticed its location. I had noticed it of course, before, but I only then realized where it was.

I have a Swiss Army Knife that I carry with me. It's a good one, and an incredibly valuable tool if you're going to be wandering. I knew that what I was planning on doing would hurt. But it wouldn't mean anything if I didn't. Gripping Lily as tightly as possible and biting down on my towel to dull the pain, I stared into a bathroom mirror and began to cut.

So now that's another parallel. It's not a scar yet, but I have an X on my face to match Kenshin's.

It's so codl.

I sould have paid more attention to the weather before leaving the city.  I got hit by rain.

Cone on, don't cry Kenny.  To cold for that.  The tarp's keeping you and the laptop dry, so don't get your face all wet wit htears.  Lily's here.  Just hold on tight and think of her.

I can't do this I can't do this I anot do this I can't do this I can't d o this I can't do this

But ther'e sno choise now.

Memories

She loved the sky more than anything.  The clouds, the stars, butterflies, fireflies...anything light and floaty.  The closer it was to heaven, the more she'd love it.

She always denied any love of flowers.  "They're okay, and I like them, but it's not like I'm required to love flowers just because my name is Lily."  But after I started comparing her to a flower, as cheesy as it was, she dyed her hair red, with black highlights.  A Tiger Lily.  When I pointed it out she looked away, embarrassed, and said that she didn't know what I was talking about and that she just wanted a change in hairstyle.

She hated shoes.  Whenever possible, she went barefoot.  In the summer, her feet were always dusty and the skin torn, because she never wore shoes.  She loved to feel the world against her feet.  It's almost a paradox reflecting on it now.  Desiring to be closer to the skies and closer to the earth at the same time.

Being with her was like being in a dream, as if she was there but just barely out of reach and that you would awaken at any moment and cry because she was just a figment of your imagination and wasn't actually real.  But she was real.

And she vanished anyway.  The day I yelled at her and called her stupid and made her cry...that was the last time I saw her alive.  He came that night and killed my family.  In a panic, I called Lily.  When I didn't get an answer, I drove over to her house.

Everyone was dead.  She and her entire family were laying there, dead.

I still don't know why I'm alive.  Why did they all die, but not me?

Encounter

I'm sorry about that last post and how abruptly it cut off.  I thought I was ready to talk about Lily.  I wasn't.  Not quite.  But soon.

I made it to a city today.  I was going to get a hotel, but then I remembered that I'm running tighter on money.  I'm probably going to end up just swallowing my pride and finding a homeless shelter to spend the night.

Things didn't go as smoothly as I hoped getting here.  Near the city, a minivan pulled up.  The driver asked me if I needed a ride, and I was about to agree, when three guys in masks jumped out of the side door and the van drove off.  Proxies.  Thankfully, I've been practicing with Lily.  They drove me into the ditch, but I was able to fend them off and knock them out.  That's one thing I like about staffs: their range.  It's easy to attack or defend from a bit of a distance if you know what you're doing.  Still, I'm no expert.  I'm glad there were only three of them.  It could have gone a lot worse.

I wonder how they found me, though.  That's always something that's bothered me.  No matter where I go, someone always seems to find me.  How do they know what I look like?  How can they find me?  Does He know where I am and somehow let them know?  It just doesn't make sense.

But I'm safe.  Got a little beat up, but that's why I carry a first-aid kit.

Well, I've sat around too long now.  It's time to stock up.  After all, who knows when the next time I'll be in a city is?