Monday, April 8, 2013

Aftermath

I spent almost all day in a motel bed.  I couldn’t bring myself to leave it.  I cried myself to sleep.  Woke up when I had a dream reliving the events of that night.  I didn’t try to sleep again after that. Couldn’t cry anymore after I woke up.  Couldn’t eat.

I’m just feeling…empty.

I checked Diana’s blog.  And now I’ve got confirmation.  Jenny is dead.  Ryan is dead.  Even Dumas is dead.

I don’t know who—or what—that Silent Bob guy is.  I’m not sure I want to know.  It really doesn’t matter in the long run.  The Picking at Ruins people are after him, and he’s their problem now.  As long as he’s not going to be bothering me again, why should I care?  Knowing who he is isn’t going to bring them back.  Jenny, the cheerful girl who managed to bring life to our group.  Ryan, the boy who would do anything to protect his friends.  Dumas, the man who gave up his life and turned against a giant organization to try to save two kids.

They’re all dead because of me.  Because I took a gamble and thought that we could control Silent Bob.  Incredibly stupid looking back at it, but you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20.

So now three people are dead, and it’s entirely on my head.  Throw in Lily, my parents, and her parents, and that brings the total to eight.

Eight deaths on my head.  Eight people I’ve killed.  Eight people more deserving than me.

I still don’t understand what happened with the Slender Man.  Why his arms suddenly turned to tentacles and why his tie went from red to black.  All these small details shifting.  I’ve gotten comments.  People saying that everyone sees the tentacles.  And I don’t understand.  It’s never been like that for me.  I’ve never read about him looking like that before.  But I looked through some old blogs again and…they were different.  Details like that suddenly appeared.  They mention tentacles.  They mention black ties.  Some mention red ties.  Some mention multiple arms.  There’s…discrepancy.  It was never there before.  And I can’t help but wonder if he did something to me when I saw him again after so long.

Canis wasn’t happy.  I’d cut off contact from him after I got suspicious of him.  He managed to track me down in Phoenix after Jenny let our location slip.  “Why would you even do something that stupid?” he asked.

“Why do you care?” I asked.  “What’s so important about me?”

“Everything.”

I rolled over.  “That doesn’t make sense.”

“Of course it doesn’t.  Not now.  Not yet.”

I was quiet for probably a minute before I forced myself into a sitting position and looked at him.  “Are you a real cop?”

A pause.  “I was.  Not anymore.  Not since meeting you.  I quit the force.  Keeping tabs on you was more important.  I suppose it’d be best to drop the act now.  Being an authority figure isn’t going to make an impact on whether or not you trust me at this point.  The only thing posing as an officer could accomplish at this point is getting me in a lot of trouble.”

“Are you one of the Ten Masks, then?”

“I am not.”

“Your last name means wolf.  You’re being followed by the Black Dog.  And you’re interested in me for some reason.  Who are you?”

“Like you said, I’m being followed by the Black Dog.”  He gave me a friendly smile.  “Are you really that surprised that I have a few secrets?”

He wants me to stay with him a while longer.  I don’t know if it’s a smart move.  Really, I don’t care at this point.  He can keep his secrets for all I care.  He’s helping me and that’s all I care about.  I don’t know what’s good or bad anymore.  Canis and Last are both helping me, but they both keep secrets and they’re hard to trust.  Bob “made the Slender Man lose,” but killed his allies without a second thought.  There’s Fracture, a proxy who sent people to kidnap me, and Moth, a proxy who rescued me from them.  There’s the Ten Masks, who alternate between trying to kill me and trying to save my life.

I’m confused and I’m depressed and I hate myself and I just don’t want to deal with this anymore.  I want to just wake up and find out that this is all some sort of nightmare.  But life doesn’t work like that.  There’s only one way out of all this.  The way that Jenny and Ryan and Dumas and Lily took.  To tell you the truth, I want to die.  I just want it all to end before things get any worse.  Before I see more people die.

But I can’t.  I don’t want to live right now, but what good does that do?  As much as I hate all this, as much as I know it’ll get worse, as much as I want it all to end, it’d be more futile than living.

One of the things I did today was watch this video:

I watched it because I knew that I needed to remember that, no matter how bad things are, no matter how much I hate myself and blame myself for what happened to Jenny and Ryan and Dumas, there are people there who don’t want me to die.  Look to the right.  You see that little “Followers” widget off to the side?  I can’t say everyone because I know that some of those people want me dead, and some are already dead themselves, but most of those little squares represents one person who wants to see me live.  One person who genuinely cares about me.  One person who would miss me when I’m gone.

So I’m going to live.  Not because I want to, but for you.  I can’t die for you, so I’m going to live for you.  If I go down, I will go down fighting on behalf of every single person who wants to see me live.  I will fight to my last breath.

Everyone reading this?  I’m living for you.  So live for me.  Don’t give up.  Don’t resign yourself to your fate, because you’re the one who decides it.

So come on, everyone.  Say those words that we may not want to say.  Say those words that we need to.  Say them for me, but not just for me.  Say them for you.  All together now.

I want to live!

21 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Even though it probably won't help, you shouldn't blame yourself. You didn't know Silent Bob would kill them; the only person that is responsible for their deaths is him. You are not.

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  2. My condolences and also respect are in order.

    Not anyone who got dragged trough the many gates of hell, can find the courage inside of himself to bounce back and keep fighting, to keep going. That is what most people that are in a similar situation need to learn from you, no matter how hard they hit you, you always bounce back, until you have nothing to bounce back up with.

    With that said, yes, I do want to live, but only for the sole purpose of weakening IT. Not because of revenge, but because it must be done, for others, because inevitably, eventually, there will be someone to take IT down. And in order for that person to do that, we must weaken IT, which means fighting back, going trough all the odds, showing IT that we can survive everything IT throws at us.

    I won't say such things like "Don't blame yourself" and other things, because honestly, we are our own judges, and only you can tell if you are really responsible for their deaths, or not.

    With that said, get into shape sooner, we need a strong fighter, not a sloppy one.

    And keep the memory of those people, because as long as you remember them, as long as someone remembers them, they will live forever.

    Good luck and again, my condolences.

    - Mr. Incognito.

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  3. Last of the LastApril 8, 2013 at 9:11 AM

    I'm proud of you, Kenny. For trying to stay strong even when you don't think you can. And I'm so sorry for putting you in that situation. You're not the only one who's made a bad call that got people killed. Not even in this situation. And it never stops being hard.

    But I'll say it with you. I want to live. And I want you to live.

    I'll see you soon.

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  4. Everyone in the world wants to live. Some people just don't realize it until it's too late. I've had my fair share of dark moments. But something always happens to show me that the world isn't as cruel as it seems.

    This is one of those times.

    It's nice to know that you're not giving up on the world yet, Wanderer. Maybe sometime in the near future, you'll find someone or something that makes you want to live for yourself as well as others.

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  5. I am sorry...That I could Not Stop Him...That I could Not Show The Hidden Path to safety.

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    Replies
    1. Strider, you can't save everyone. As much as it pains me to say this, these things happen.

      Delete
  6. It's good to see that you are not going complete Blue Screen of Death on me, kid.
    In all seriousness though, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Very, very sorry. There is not much more I can say on the matter.

    Also thank you for posting those last couple of paragraphs. Otherwise I would hunt you down and kick your ass until you had stopped spouting all that "I don't want to live" shit. And I will still so if you say that kind of nonsense again!!!

    -Raggedy

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  7. Get it together kid. This is an everyday occurrence and if you weren't ready for that, than that's on you. If you don't want to live anymore, by all means go ahead and end it, because when people get into the "I don't want to live," funk, it's a oneway ticket to proxy party hell. It'd be a waste if you wound up a rabid psycho mongrel, hell it be a waste if you died. Maybe you could've put yourself to some good use, maybe you could've made your friends death mean something. Maybe 20 years from now there won't be a Slenderman because of you and you can sit back and take comfort in the fact your friends didn't die for shit. When you sit and mope you open up the door and invite Slenderman into your head and you let him win.

    Get up off your ass and move forward. You're gonna be okay. Nothing can hurt your pals now, they're as safe as they're ever gonna get. So buck up and go nail Slenderman. Be suicidal when there's no one left to protect.

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  8. Thank you. All of you. I'm still recovering at the moment, but I know I can bounce back from this, and the encouragement you're all giving me is greatly appreciated. I'll talk to you all soon.

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  9. You Are All Fools, Why Fight The Glorious Cleansing your so called Fears bring? why run from them and try to evade the inevitable death? the weak and the fragile must be Wiped from this world if it is to remain strong, Stop fighting and let the course of the great purge clean this world.

    ~The Hidden

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    Replies
    1. Excuse me?

      They're not running from DEATH. These people are running from the monsters that want to kill me BEFORE their time is up. I have a feeling that most of these people weren't supposed to die this way.

      Do you honestly believe that the Slender Man wants to "cleanse" the world? That's really funny. All he's doing is interfering with humanity on a global level. He's a monster, a boogeyman, and a demon.

      They're only weak and fragile because the Slender Man terrified them and broke them. But many of them have been made stronger because of it.

      You must be blind to all of the death and chaos he is causing.

      Delete
    2. The Blind are only those who see that the Strong Live While The Weak Die, The Living God Slender Man Chooses The most weak willed and tests them if they fail they die, you should not question his ways, because his is pure yours is not Ashley. or should we say Rose, Spyre, Tere, Eve, Spark, Joan, Arra, Logic, Bleak, NL? yes we know who you are and who you are composed of. We Watch as you are tested we wonder if you will Win or Fail. Stop defending the weak, or you'll become one, Challenge us and we will tell Darkness to finish.

      ~The Hidden

      Delete
    3. You really love to capitalize your words don't you.

      -Raggedy

      Delete
    4. So... are you even aware of what you're talking about, or are you just another one of our people who likes to gloat meaninglessly on blogs? Because the Boss didn't kill anyone here. And while I don't know what's up with Silent Bob, he killed twice as many proxies as he killed Runners.

      Delete
    5. We The Hidden seen the little scuffle Involving Silent Bob and your pathetically weak friends and this runner and his friends they deserved all of what he did to them, but He will be eliminated shortly being a Chosen one known by your type as proxies and not following the Master gets you killed, we know where he is and we are now moving to kill him, he doesn't stand a chance against our power for we are The Hidden the all powerful.

      ~The Hidden

      Delete
    6. Riiiiiiiight. Keep telling yourself that, Crazy Run-On Sentence Man.

      Delete
    7. Hey Hidden! I'm actually NOT ONE OF ASHLEY'S PERSONALITIES!

      If you're going to respond to my comments, at least get my identity right.

      Gosh.

      My name is Rose, or Gabriella. Whichever you prefer.

      Delete
  10. Whisper should have hollowed you when he had you in our grasps. Your a fucking waste of space Kenny. Rocks learn faster than you and they apply themselves twice as fucking hard.

    I could forgive this, eventually, if I thought you had learned anything but you haven't. You'll resume your senseless path of harbingering death to those around you with your half assed heroics.

    Quit making decisions for other people and hiding shit from them and for the love of fucking god, quit gambling with other peoples lives.

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    Replies
    1. Why do you assume that I haven't learned anything from this?

      I make some bad choices, yes. Everyone does because nobody's perfect. I've seen people die because I've made a choice and it was the wrong one. In this case, it was taking a risk by using a double-edged sword for protection. I got vague warnings that he was dangerous, but when you're given the choice between "run from people who want you dead" or "stay in the shadow of someone who scares away the people who want you dead," it's a much harder call to make.

      I'm sorry if you think that hiding the fact that Dumas was a proxy from Jenny and Ryan to attempt to save all of our lives was a bad move. You'll note that, in the end, it didn't make much difference because he was a runner at the end. If there's one reason I regret not telling Jenny and Ryan, it's because they never knew what a big sacrifice he was making by helping us.

      Have I learned from this? I've learned plenty. I've learned that I can still mess up. I've learned that a risk you know about is better than one you don't. I've learned that I will never be able to save everyone.

      But that doesn't mean that I can't try. Sure, my heroics may be half-assed. I never claimed to be a hero. I'm just trying to help everyone I can however I can. That's not being a hero, that's being a decent person.

      Know this, Fracture. I will crack. I will encounter pain and hardship and I will crack again and again and again. But I will pick myself up and pull myself together. I will never break. And I will NEVER allow myself to become just a waste of space.

      Delete
    2. I think we'll be the judge of that, Harbinger. Me and all those people on your little follow list that you live for.

      Congratulations on learning bombs are dangerous. I look forward to next week when you figure out it hurts to look directly at the sun.

      Delete
    3. Don't listen to the stupid cat. He's just goading you into making another mistake.

      We're all rooting for you, Wanderer. Never give up. Don't lose hope.

      We're here for you.

      Delete